Fluff and Feathers
by The Mushroom Fairy
Summary: An unsatisfied lover sends Viktor out to bring back what Flik needs most. Sgt Joe deathfic. Complete.
1. Flictorlocks and the Three Beds

"Shit!" Flik swore, pushing Viktor abruptly away.  
  
"What's wrong?" Viktor managed to ask though his panting.  
  
"I can't," Flik groaned, wriggling away from his lover.  
  
"Why?!" Viktor moaned, annoyed now. HE could...  
  
"This bed's too damn hard, Viktor! It's killing my back. If we have to do this here one more time..."  
  
"Don't say it!" Viktor broke in, hurrying to pull up his pants. "Don't even think it! If that's the way you feel...I'll just go get a new one!"  
  
Viktor set out that very day, on a quest to find a soft mattress for his Flikie. Damn! That guy could be so demanding...but he was always so worth it...  
  
South Window was near their castle so the brave warrior went out the castle gates by foot, determined to bring back something to appease his picky boyfriend. It was warm that morning, getting warmer, but that was fine with Viktor; he enjoyed the outdoors better than the in, and it was always pleasant walking to town, even if it took half an hour.  
  
The city was crowded and bustling as usual. There was a huge merchants' station in town bringing in traders from all over the globe, plus tourists visiting the stone monument and even government officials running in and out and around the Town Hall.  
  
Viktor didn't get that far into town, however. The item shop was just inside the gates and up some steps to the right. No need to look any farther.  
  
"You want...what?" the item shop clerk asked incredulously.  
  
"A mattress," Viktor said for the third time. "Do. You. Have. A. Mattress?"  
  
Eyes blinked back at him from a blank face. "...I sleep on a mattress..."  
  
Viktor rolled his eyes and spun on his boot heel, storming out of the item shop. He hadn't realized the woman was so incompetent.  
  
After that episode, Viktor headed North to Kuskus. He figured he'd enjoy the sea breeze a little better than the stuffy, crowded streets of South Window, anyway. It was getting warm out.  
  
Only...there was no sea breeze in Kuskus. The wind seemed to have evaporated in the rising heat as Viktor made his way, sweating, to the Kuskus item shop. Once he got inside, he pushed past the joint tavern's stage where a few hopefuls were hanging around, hoping to catch a glimpse of the famed local dancer, Karen. Viktor paid them no heed, brushing by and finally getting to the Kuskus item store counter.  
  
"Hi... This might be hard to understand...but I'm looking--for--a--mattress," Viktor said loudly, enunciating.  
  
The man behind the counter looked the warrior over. "No need to shout, Sir." He came out from around his counter. "This way, please."  
  
Viktor made a surprised sound, but eagerly followed the man to another room. Through the door, there was a mattress warehouse. There were mattresses stacked all over the huge room, lying all over the floor and even propped up against the walls.  
  
"Take your time," the clerk said, leaning back against the door frame.  
  
"Wow!" Viktor breathed. "I never knew this was here."  
  
"Should've asked," the man scoffed.  
  
With a shrug, Viktor browsed the cool room, in no hurry to pick a mattress and get back out into the heat. Speaking of that, though...if he bought a mattress...how was he going to get it back to the castle?  
  
"Do you have a delivery service?" Viktor asked the store owner.  
  
Now he earned the look worthy a madman. "Are you nuts?! That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard of!" (as if a mattress warehouse in the middle of a port town weren't dumb itself)  
  
An hour later, Viktor was still struggling to carry the mattress home to Flik. It was growing heavier, though it had been light and fluffy starting out, and the sun was growing brighter, and--inexplicably--the trek home was taking ten times as long.  
  
"Fffflik!" Viktor growled as he staggered along, "you'd better thank me for this!"  
  
"Well?!" Viktor cried proudly, feeling much better after a shower and a nap, and in eager anticipation of a long, intense massage session. "What do you think, Flik?" His lover's back was to him, and it stayed that way for a long time as Flik examined the mattress critically. "Hm? Whad'dya say?"  
  
"Well, let's give it a try," Flik said with a shrug.  
  
Minutes later, Viktor wanted to cry. Flik wasn't happy.  
  
"This is still all wrong," he complained.  
  
"What the hell are you complaining about?" Viktor grunted his displeasure. I got the thinnest one they had--how could it be too hard?"  
  
"It's too soft."  
  
"It's TOO soft?!"  
  
"It's so thin, the bed's SPLINTERS are POKING THROUGH MY BACK, you JERK!!!" Flik screamed, jumping out of the bed as though he'd landed on a cactus.  
  
"Dammit!" Viktor cursed to himself. "Flik, you just don't appreciate what I've been through to get this..."  
  
"I'd appreciate if more if you'd get something...better..." Flik winked.  
  
Viktor's eyes widened as he looked at Flik's seductive gesture.  
  
"Can I help you?"  
  
Viktor almost blushed. "I need a mattress."  
  
"This way."  
  
The shop keeper didn't seem to recognize the warrior. Viktor shrugged and followed the man back to the room. He wondered how many people inquired about mattresses.  
  
The answer was startling.  
  
When the man threw open the warehouse door, Viktor was quite taken aback. Most of the mattresses were gone.  
  
"I was just here this morning!" Viktor cried. "What the hell did you do with your stock?"  
  
"Were you smart enough to bring your buddy's Blinking Mirror this time?" the shop keeper smarted off.  
  
Viktor slapped his forehead.  
  
"Vik...Viktor, stop it."  
  
"Wha...what now?" Viktor murmured, trying to calm his rising passions. "What are you complaining about, Flik? I brought back the thickest mattress they had, and...you're not satisfied?"  
  
After...oh! so much struggling... If Flik didn't come up with a good excuse, Viktor was afraid this might get ugly...  
  
"Viktor, I don't know what this thing's stuffed with, but it's hard as a sack of bricks."  
  
Viktor scratched his head. "Flik, that's ridiculous. It's midnight--it took me HOURS to get back, carrying this damn thing all the way.... Don't you think you owe me some credit for trying? I'd settle for a quickie; I'm tired, I have to say."  
  
Flik slapped him.  
  
"Sometimes, Viktor, I don't think you love me at all!"  
  
Viktor blinked at him in the candle light, incredulous. Suddenly, he flew out of bed and drew his sword from where he'd tossed it on the floor a short while ago.  
  
Flik screeched, misunderstanding, and ran to a corner.  
  
But then Viktor slit open the mattress case.  
  
Inside were...bricks.  
  
"See?!" Flik chirped, coming out of his corner.  
  
Viktor sighed.  
  
"Let me guess, you want a mattress?"  
  
Viktor clenched his fists, but Flik stopped him. Flik had come today to take care of the business Viktor obviously couldn't handle. "That's right, Sir. Can we see your warehouse?"  
  
"We're all sold out," was the reply.  
  
Viktor's jaw dropped in disbelief, and before he could recover and destroy something as per usual custom, Flik dragged him out of the store and then out of town.  
  
"Bastard!"  
  
They were on their way home, and Viktor was terribly out of sorts.  
  
"Calm down, would you?" Flik soothed. "It's okay, Viktor. We tried. I guess we were never meant to be..."  
  
"WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?!" Viktor went hysterical. "NO! I won't give you up, dammit! I'll find your perfect bed, Flik! I swear by your sword Odessa--"  
  
"--hey!"  
  
"--that I'll bring back the perfect mattress for you: not too hard, not too soft, but JUST right!"  
  
The word quickly spread that Viktor was on a new quest, a quest to find a fluffy, firm mattress. The castle was filled with well-wishers and there were plenty of good-lucks to go around, but none of that was any help to Viktor. For three days he thought about where to find a good mattress. No one was being of any help. Finally Viktor went to the one person he thought could help--Vikkie.  
  
"Huh?!" Vikkie cried. "What the hell can I do about it?"  
  
"I want you to teleport me out of Toran, out of Jowston--anywhere outside of this place. I need to get as far away as possible. There just aren't any mattresses around here." Viktor looked miserable.  
  
Vikkie scratched her head in confusion. "Uh...yeah...okay..." Apparently she wasn't clued in on much of the castle's gossip. "Shaza---oops! Oh, shit!"  
  
Too late. Viktor had disappeared.  
  
Whistling to herself to look less suspicious (unwittingly having the exact opposite effect) Vikkie leaned against the huge mirror in the great hall and went to work, intensively studying her nails.  
  
'Where the hell am I?' Viktor wondered, looking around. He was knee-deep in pond water, tall reeds surrounding his view of anything else. He pushed his way through the cattails, and suddenly found himself standing on the dock of a village that seemed to have sunk into a lake. 'What is this place?'  
  
"QUACK!"  
  
Viktor jumped, almost falling backwards into the water again. "H-hello?"  
  
"QUACK, QUACK!"  
  
The warrior stepped cautiously around the side of the windmill he'd been hiding behind, only to see an exrtremely large, white--  
  
"Duck?"  
  
"QUACK?"  
  
Viktor laughed, then stopped. He didn't like the way the duck was looking at him. It looked...evil.  
  
As the man watched on in horror, more huge ducks crept out of the woodwork, circling and surrounding him, and they were all deadly silent.  
  
Viktor started trembling in fear.  
  
"Quack?"  
  
That one short, simple duck-call started a complete riot. Suddenly, the strange, huge, clothed (!??!) ducks were all coming forward, quacking.  
  
They got closer and closer....  
  
'They must have eaten all the people and destroyed the village--!' Viktor thought worriedly. He drew his sword. "All right, you...quackers! You're not taking ME down to a watery grave!!!"  
  
"Quack?"  
  
"Quack, quack?!"  
  
"Quack, Sergeant Joe, quack?"  
  
'Oh, my God! He's got someone named Sergeant Joe inside him!' Viktor thought. "Don't worry," he said comfortingly to the approaching duck's stomach. "I'll help you, Sergeant!"  
  
With the hilt of his weapon, Viktor bopped the One-Who-Ate-Sergeant-Joe's head so that the stupid monster-duck was knocked silly. "I'm coming, Sergeant!" Viktor screamed. "Hang on!" Then, with one swift motion, the same maneuver he'd used to kill Daisy (the infatuated girl who used to stalk him), Viktor slashed through the fuzzy duck's neck. With a strangled "Quarrrrrrrkk," the duck's head was cleaved...well, almost. Some thin string of flesh was holding it onto the neck. Viktor kicked the duck's head until it went flying across the town--it took nine or ten tries.  
  
"Are you okay?" Viktor asked the duck's torso. No reply. So Viktor chopped until he was sure anyone stuck inside the monster-duck's stomach could have crawled out. And yet no one came. "...Sergeant Joe?"  
  
Until that moment, the rest of the ducks had been dead silent, shocked and stunned and in disbelief. But at the mention of their deceased leader's name, they went berserk.  
  
Viktor barely had a warning before a barrage of "quacks" and flapping wings attacked. One by one, he swung at and slaughtered the monsters.  
  
"WAAAAIIIITT!!!"  
  
"...Eh?" Viktor halted his bloody massacre--after slicing up the last monster.  
  
One of Konami's head game developers for Suikoden III rushed forward, shock and rage flashing in his eyes behind glasses. "What the hell did you just do, Viktor?!"  
  
"Ah, Takeshi--it's you," Viktor smiled, then hid his sword behing his back to politely bow and reached out to shake hands. "It's been a while."  
  
"You stupid bastard, you just slaughtered the Duck Clan!"  
  
"And a good thing, too, Takeshi. They took over this whole village and ate the villagers, and--ah! poor Sergeant Joe..." Viktor shook his head sadly.  
  
"Yes, looks like you've killed him." Takeshi put his head in his hands, wondering how he'd ever explain this to his boss.  
  
"That duck--"  
  
"--was Sergeant Joe," Takeshi explained. "Viktor...you've ruined everything. You're not even supposed to BE here."  
  
"It was--"  
  
"Vikkie, I know...she always ruins everything. We were trying to write her out for this game, but she accidentally gotten written in TWICE instead. We're still wondering about that one..."  
  
"What do I do about it?" Viktor asked.  
  
"There's some water," Takeshi shrugged, then pointed to the lake. "Clean this shit up so we can make some robot ducks or something."  
  
"That's right," Viktor said conspiratorily, a wicked gleam in his eyes... "No one needs to know..."  
  
Takeshi nodded slowly... "No one needs to know..."  
  
They winked at each other, then walked casually in opposite directions.  
  
"You don't know me!" Takeshi called over his shoulder as he headed off the set.  
  
Viktor did a great job confirming that by not answering.  
  
For hours and hours, the warrior stuffed trash bags with feathers and pushed bodies into the lake, then wiped up the stains with an oily rag--er, a scrub brush or something...  
  
Finally, at dawn the next day, Duck Village looked all ready for Suikoden III. But what to do with all those feathers? 


	2. Epilogue

  
  
Epilogue  
  
"Aaaaahhhhh!"  
  
Simultaneous orgasm hit the happy couple. For the fourth time that night.  
  
"Oh, Viktor!" Flik sighed, moving up next to his lover for an embrace. "Viktor, how did you do it?!"  
  
"I just showed you four times!" Viktor cried. "Flik, I'm fucking tired. Let go of me."  
  
"Never again!" Flik sighed. "But I was talking about this mattress. Where did you finally find something so perfect?"  
  
Viktor smiled to himself. "What's it matter? The important thing is, there were no witnesses."  
  
"...Huh?"  
  
"I said, the important thing is, I remembered the Blinking Mirror." 


End file.
